Saturday, March 10, 2012
John Carter. Not the ER spin-off I was looking for.
John Carter’s story is not that special. It doesn’t matter if the book is 100 years old. That’s a book and this is a movie. Who cares about pissing off fans of the book series and changing shit? You’re gonna have to when 90% of the plot points have both been seen and seen better many times before in film. This is a film with the dual villains. The two villains that are kind of equal but when of them is sort of in charge of the other but the other has all the real power while the other has the magical power. Something like that. Mark Strong, playing the villain for the three time too many times, plays a Thurn, trying to control Dominic West, who has also played a villain several times before, and try to get West to fuck up Mars. Why? Well according to Strong in the film when he’s monologing to John Carter, it’s because he’s immortal, but it turns out he’s not immortal, so why is he trying to destroy Mars? Because essentially there’s nothing better to do. Mark Strong is just a bored guy with magical powers who wants to fuck shit up but he doesn’t even really seem to care about that. I don’t get it either. Why does John Carter want to save Mars? Because for him, there is also nothing better to do. Actually, it’s really only because he wants to fuck some girl. Not exactly the best character motivations for a nice blockbuster.
IS there anything good? There’s some decent action, the visual effects can be pretty great. That dog creature is really cute. And sometimes the relationship between John Carter and green Willem Dafoe is quite good but then sometimes green Willem Dafoe is quite a cunt.
In essence, $250 million down the drain. I’m sorry Andrew Stanton, but unlike Brad Bird, you cannot do live action.