Friday, August 20, 2010

"I know what you are." "Say it. Out loud say it." "Jonas Brother."

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

It's such an easy target. Vampires and werewolves have dominated the past 5 or so years in terms of literature, film and television. And besides True Blood and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer, all vampire and werewolf related entertainment has sucked. The Twilight series, book and movie, have turned a once awesome creature of death into a sparkly, abstaining pussy and an evil creature of death into a sensitive, shirtless dweeb. The book series is dumb and ends on a weird, anti-climatic note and there are some really questionable and weird side plots. Are they the worst books ever? No. But are they worthy of being practically worshiped in the eyes of teens and middle aged mothers' everywhere? Absolutely not. And the first two films were horrible pieces of unwatchable crap. The third one wasn't all that bad if you knew what to expect and I do honestly hope that the two final films are actually pretty good.

Either way, making fun of Twilight and this whole vampire/werewolf craze should be easy. Whether it's the sparkle jokes, the abstinence joke, the werewolves are gay jokes, the baby love jokes, the bad dialogue jokes, the pretty boy jokes, the fan jokes, the team Edward/Jacob jokes...it's easy. My friends and I could write 100 pages worth of really funny jokes based on Twilight. So when I heard a spoof movie was made based on and around Twilight, I was willing to give the notorious directors of Disaster/Epic/Date Movie the benefit of the doubt.



Well I was wrong for doing that. The duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer prove yet again that they are completely incompetent when it comes to not only film making and screen writing but also when it comes to parody and humor. In that entire 80 minutes of film I think I laughed twice and it was nothing more than a "heh" kind of under my breath laugh which I guess is a step up considering I never laughed during Disaster/Epic/Date Movie or Meet the Spartans. But between poor editing, poor effects, poor cinematography, poor writing and poor directing, those laughs were probably undeserved now that I think about it.

The story combines Twilight and New Moon together but not in a clever way. It's mostly a cliff-notes version of both films, mixed in with crossover jokes (Alice in Wonderland), pop culture references (Black Eyed Peas, Tiger Woods, Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga), breaking the fourth wall ("It says in my contract I have to take off my shirt every ten minutes) and A original joke in the form of an all out brawl between Team Edward and Team Jacob fans.

But basically "Bella" moves to "Sporks" and meets Edward "Sullen," a vampire with whom she falls for. But when the "Sullen" clan tries to eat her after getting a paper cut, Edward leaves and "Bella" starts to fall for Jacob "White." Put Twilight and New Moon's plots in there somewhere and you have a plot. It's crap.
As I've already said, everything behind the camera sucks (directing, effects, cinematography, writing), but everything in front of the camera sucks as well. Seeing good comedy actors like David DeLuise, Ken Jeong, Diedrich Bader, Annalise van der Pol, and more waste their talents on a crappy film like this is sad. They are all trying but they all fail epically.

This film fails. Front and back inside and out, fails. An easy target that could have been kinda funny ends up being an almost laugh-less shit-fest.

MY VERDICT: ABOMINATION TO CINEMA

7 comments:

  1. Even thinking about this movie makes me angry.

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  2. @Simon-Usually when I see these directors I get that same feeling. But I THOUGHT, since Twilight and Vampire's are an easy target, that it would be decent. Not happening.

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  3. "The book series is dumb and ends on a weird, anti-climatic note and there are some really questionable and weird side plots. Are they the worst books ever? No. But are they worthy of being practically worshiped in the eyes of teens and middle aged mothers' everywhere? Absolutely not."


    THANK YOU!

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  4. Disaster Movie, was a disaster, but this, doesn't even look like it just sucks, its drop-dead terrible.

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  5. Oh no, I thought it might be a good spoof since they had a lot of material to work with. I'm really disappointed in the crap route spoofs have taken. It's like there are no more filmmakers out there who know how to do it right. Mel Brooks was the last of his kind :(

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  6. I hate Friedberg/Seltzer. For me, those guys are just plain evil. It's bad enough they're still making shit when porno directors, film hacks, and B-movie directors actually put more work into their shit than Friedberg/Seltzer has ever done.

    My dad, whose has a taste for low-brow films, watched a few minutes of Disaster Movie. He changed the channel realizing how bad it was. He didn't laugh. He was like "What is this shit?"

    I'll bet you their next film will probably called "3D Movie" and it will be in 3D where they make fun of 3D movies. And we know what will happen. Honestly, those guys fuckin' suck.

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  7. Maybe this will be the last one, please make this the last one.

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