Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You don't stop, you don't hide. You run. You understand me?

Why? Why God Why? Why must I be the movie encyclopedia, if no one else will see it than i will? These are the moments I dread. Hollywood big budget films geared towards making seven year olds happy and giving all loyal cartoon fans the shaft. The bigger question is why do they continue to give Michael Bay money? I know now why we are in a recession: Michael Bay and his damn films.

Today's film is Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen which I saw 7/16/09. This movie truly made me sad. The first movie was phenominal. It wasnt Citizen Kane or anything but it was truly a mind blowing film. I bought it the day it came out on DVD but had never actually watched the movie till a year later during a snow storm. It was action packed, had great characters, Megan Fox, slow motion, Megan Fox, robots fighting on an epic scale and Megan Fox. Did I mention that? Well considering the kajillions of dollars they made on the movie it was inevitable that there would be a sequel. I watched every preview, memorized every line, I was suckered in and was ready and raring to see another masterpiece...

...than the reviews came in. 1 star rating after 1 star rating. Roger Ebert said it was one of the worst movies he had seen in a while. He acted like he had just watched NORTH again! So my hopes were quickly dashed that it was another masterpiece. But critics are just critics you shouldnt listen to them right? (cept me of course Im always right) But still I was a bit aprehensive towards the film.

Well eventually I did sit down and watched the thing. It was free tickets anyway so what did it really matter anyway? I wasnt paying! But once the movie started my heart immediatly sank. It once again started with Optimus Prime's droning on and on about the last movie and hope and blah blah blah. Nobody cared. Than it was a big action sequence with huge robots and Optimus flying in and attacking along with the help of these two:
These are Mudflap and Skids, a brother duo created specifically for the movie but more importantly as comic relief. They are the only genuinely funny thing in the movie. They make it watchable. You know why they are funny? They are black stereotypes. "Haha they got bling and grillz, and they cant read cuz they gangstas and they gonna chill with the homeboys." These guys are about as black as Milli Vanilli. They are blackface incarnate. Its funny though at how black stereotypical they are. Its like Tom Kenny and Reno Wilson looked at the Idiots Guide to being black and made that their lines. But its clever in a dumb, guilty pleasure way.
The rest of the humor is very forced and juvinile. Haha Hashbrownies. Haha popping your cherry. Haha people getting hurt in funny ways. Haha dry humping robots. HAHA! The kids were eating it up, I was groaning for half the film.

Thats another big problem is that its almost 3 hours long. WATCHMEN CAN BE 3 HOURS LONG. TRANSFORMERS CANT. They could have ended it at the 1 and a half hour mark. And for all the "you dont appreciate the awesome action scenes" people I do! Its just they were few and far between. In the middle of the calm was talk talk talk backstory backstory why dont you love me and then MAYBE an action scene. There were some really cool action scenes that were marred by the directing.
The big ass robot you see in the trailers sucking up Mudflap? Giant robot balls...wah wah wah!
The battle between the fallen and Optimus Prime? One shot kill...wah wah wah!
Megatron vs Optimus Prime Round 2? a two minute fight that ended up with Optimus getting owned by multiple robots thus eliminating any cool one on one fighting?...wah wah wah!
Megatron rising up as the new leader after the fallen fell and fighting Super Optimus? He chickened out...wah wah wah!

See its just sad! Michael Bay is so intent on a third movie that he left HUGE plot holes and he made this the explaining movie. He abused this film and hopefully the third and final one will be the awesome finale we all have been dreaming about. AND WHAT ABOUT THE THEME? Missing. THIS IS THE COOLEST PART THOUGH: Linkin Park doing the score and the New Divide song. Its pretty sad

You know its pretty bad if the only two good things are a score by a decent rock band and forcably racist robots.


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