Wednesday, June 30, 2010

*400th post* Doesn't He Own A Shirt?

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Well that was a surprise? The Twilight Saga: Eclipse doesn't suck. It's still no award winner (despite what the MTV Movie Awards keep telling it) but believe it or not I actually enjoyed it. Not in an "OMFG guys greatest film ever!!" enjoyed like the people sitting next to me but a "Well this is gonna suck *two hours later* hmm..." kind of enjoyed. I could attribute it to a lot of things but I think the most obvious would be David Slade taking the helm. Usually I wait till the end to talk specs but I figure since he's such an integral part I might as well bring him up now.

David Slade, whose previous two films 30 Days of Night and Hard Candy, took over as director for this installment of the billion dollar franchise and boy is the series better for it. Slade is best at two things as a director: finding beauty in nature and close shots. Well Twilight's best quality is the Vancou...I mean Washington landscape and the camera has been relentless in the past two films with shoving the camera in the face of the characters so it's good that it's in the hands of a professional. The scenery is gorgeous in this film and every time you see a mountain in the background or he pulls out enough where you can see the landscape it's beautiful. And in the close shots he lessened the cheese factor and went more for either wit or intimate. But his contribution to this film was very necessary and it added a lot to the film.
The plot shouldn't really matter at this point. If you are going in to see Eclipse then there is a good chance that you have already read the books and know everything that's going to happen. But for those boyfriends/husbands/friends who get dragged into it kicking and screaming here is the jist:

Bella Swan, our heroine, is conflicted. She is in love with Edward, a 109-year-old vampire but she also has feelings for childhood friend and werewolf Jacob Black. Bella doesn't know who to choose and with graduation coming up in a month she's gotta figure out who she wants to be with. It also doesn't help that Edward and Jacob hate each other.

While all this is happening, a bunch of mysterious murders have been happening. The culprit? The red headed vampire vixen Victoria. She is pissed at Edward for killing her lover and so she plans on taking him down and getting her revenge. How so? Her and her army of new vampires are going to kill Bella so that he will know how she feels inside. When they hear this news, Edward and Jacob decide to team up to protect Bella.

The action scenes are actually pretty cool and the CGI looks much better than the first two. The acting is still abysmal though. I'm pretty sure that's never going to change. Kristin Stewart slurs a good number of her lines and Pattinson is still dull as ever. The always shirtless Lautner (why I picked the Edward quote) is actually pretty good in this movie and has a lot of charisma. It always sucks though that either Edward or Bella or both are on the screen as well. The support cast ranges from great to decent with some standouts from Bryce Dallas Howard and the brief spot from Anna Kendrick. It's not horrible overall.

Look if you love Twilight than what I say doesn't matter. You will see this movie and love the heck out of it. I can't stand Twilight but I still enjoyed it. Not an award winner and certainly not a great film but a step in the right direction for the series. Who the time the last film comes out it might be a three and a half/four star film...



Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Well I've reached the end of the TV meme and I gotta say it's been hard but fun. I've enjoyed it and hopefully you all have too. The last day's meme has to do with death...Saddest Character Death...I won't waste your time or give you a huge explanation as to why I picked it. The video should be self-explanatory

Charlie's death devastated me. He was, has and always will be my favorite character on the show and not only is his death scene sad, it's powerful and the music makes it all the more heartbreaking. Even though death is a suggestion on the show, seeing him slowly drown and come to terms with it and not going down without doing one last noble act was great. It was a great end to a great character....

...just like this is a great end to a great meme. Thank you all and see you next time.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Today's entry into the meme is a controversial one because a lot of people hate the show I picked for it..."Current Show Obsession." Well for me I had to think long and hard but eventually after realizing I was watching a marathon of it on Spike I went with Deadliest Warrior.

Now before we go on let me save you some comment space. Yes I realize the show is pretty much fixed. Yes I realize the doctor is there for no reason other than to say that the guy is dead. Yes I realize that the computer data is BS. I realize that the writing is cheesy. I realize that fundamentally it fails as an educational or scientific show and yes I realize that there is a game version of this coming out. So if your hate towards me for picking this involves one of the above than save your fingers.
Now that that's outta the way let's get on with it. Deadliest Warrior is a Spike TV show where a group of three guys: an ER doctor, a tech nerd and computer wiz, and a beefcake who is good with motion sensors and using weapons, have come together to settle age old scores that we've dreamed about for ages. Who would win in a fight? A Samurai or a Spartan? An Apache or a Knight? CIA or KGB? The list goes on and on mixing modern day and past warriors together to create a greatly varied show.

But how do they settle the score? Well they bring in representatives from both sides, usually someone who studied in the fighting style or knew/is descended from the warrior class, let them bring whatever weapons they think would be most useful in a fight to the death, and test them out. They break it down into close range, mid range, long range and special weapons and each person gets a chance to test out the weapon in different scenarios. By the end of the round a winner is chosen and they move on. This data, along with speed, timing ect are all put into a computer program which then simulates a fight.

This is the best part of the show and I know a lot of people agree with me. The fights are always well choreographed, highly unpredictable and have a good flow to them. And at the end a winner is chosen and they are deadliest.

Besides the simulation what makes this show great is three things: the weapons, the carnage and David Wenham.

The weapons are, for the most part, all extremely cool. And they are all pretty dangerous. So when you see an ax chop off a ballistics head or a guy harpooning a pig carcass it's pretty badass.

The carnage goes hand in hand with it. The deadliest weapons are so devastating that blood and guts get everywhere. It's like watching an action movie for an hour. On top of that they always do slo-mo instant replay which adds to the carnage.

And David Wenham is brilliant. The credits don't say it's him and it's not listed under his IMDB but it is him. It has to be. Anyone who has seen the show can't argue that it IS the same person. I mean listen:

300 Ending Speech

EDA | MySpace Video

Can you hear it?

Either way I love this show and I can't wait for the next episode.

Monday, June 28, 2010


Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

This was another one I knew going into this meme that I would blaze through. "First TV Obsession." Well if you were a child of the 90s, played video games and had basic cable then there is a good chance you were obsessed with Pokemon. I know still to this day that if I say "I wanna be the very best..." that there will be someone, someone born in the 90s that will know that theme song. Even if it takes them a minute they know it. And we are all fine with it.

But Pokemon was a huge obsession in my life. The games, the movies, and of course the TV show. Once Misty, my favorite character, left the show I wasn't too pleased but I dealt with it. The show got progressively worse and now it's practically unwatchable. But hey it's popular in Japan so it will never die. But I will always remember the original.

On a side note...I still play all of the games and plan to buy the new ones. They are an AMAZING time dump.
But the characters, the Pokemon, the good vs evil message, Team Rocket, the epic anime battles....everything was amazing about that a kid. But I loved it, still have a soft spot for it and will never forget this rap either...I know Nick hasn't.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Today's day took a while to do once I nixed Dexter from the equation. A good part of me wanted me to put the pilot to Dexter on here but I figure I've kissed Mr. Morgan's ass enough throughout this meme. Instead I decided to go with an original choice, something people wouldn't expect: Sleeper Cell's pilot- "Al-Fatiha"

Now before I describe the episode let me talk about the show first. Sleeper Cell was a Showtime miniseries that aired back in 2005. This was before Showtime (in my opinion) was a big sensation and HBO still reigned supreme. When I was walking through the local PX (it's like Wal-Mart for military) I noticed the celebrity booth had people in it. Usually they would have assorted wrestlers, cheerleaders, lesser known bands and tv stars appear every once and a while but this one caught my attention. The show, about a terrorist cell in America planning on causing terror and destruction throughout America, was selling like a military base. Something about the irony struck me so I went up and got the DVD set, got it signed and was on my way. I sat down and watched the pilot and was surprised at how good it was.

The idea is Darwyn Al-Sayeed, a devout Muslim and Federal Agent, goes undercover in a Sleeper Cell. A Sleeper Cell is a group of Islamic Extremist terrorists who behave and act like normal Americans to everybody they see, but behind closed doors and when nobody's looking, are planning terrorist attacks. The American government is especially wary of this LA based Sleeper Cell because their leader Faris-Al Farek is a total madman bent on the destruction of America. And because Darwyn is Muslim and can blend in well, they decided to make him the one to go undercover.

So Darwyn goes and meets the rest of the group. They range from weapons experts to tech experts to demolitions experts ect ect. Well things seem to be going well until Farik starts getting suspicious that somebody may be a double agent or that somebody has been talking to the Feds. So what does he do? He drives all of the Cell members out to the middle of the desert and lines them up. He says that somebody is a traitor and that person will pay dearly. Darwyn is worried he blew his cover early but instead one of the other people in the Cell gets beaten. But that's not enough for Farik. He goes Old Testament on him by digging a hole in the ground, putting the guy INSIDE the whole, burying him up to his neck and then stoning him. It's a slow, methodical and extremely evil process that lasts the rest of the episode and it really sets up well just how evil and just how far Farik and his gang will go to destroy everything.

It's a great show and if you can find it, give it a look.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

You're looking for answers but your pride refuses to seek them. I suggest starting here

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Well this was a misstep...If you have been reading along the past week you will know that Uwe Boll has had a pretty good career in the last two years. He churned out 3 pretty good films all with good acting, good plots and a good message. For some reason though his latest film The Final Storm is not on par with his latest films. Only Nick would get this but he's like the latter weeks of Tim Urban on American Idol: he does really well for three weeks and then disappoints (only to go home the next day). Oh's what happens.
The world is now a sucky place. The economy is a lot worse than it is now with more and more people losing their jobs and losing all their money. People have now become more desperate and have started fighting and rioting in the streets. It's a much more violent world and it doesn't help that the climate has gone to hell either. Lately there have been some storms, each getting progressively worse. One day however, two farmers Tom and Gillian, whilst dealing with another massive storm, get an unwelcome visitor named Silas. He seems kinda shady but he's cold and it's pouring out so they bring him in. They all go to sleep shortly afterwards.

Things turn weird however when they wake up the next morning and Tom, Gillian and Silas are apparently the only things left on the Earth. This is weird and an unexplainable phenomenon but instead of exploring that and the possible religious symbolism (flood anyone?) they decide to turn it into a horror film. I mean the first half is really strong but then it turns into Last House on the Left...I don't get it.

I mean his last three films were heavily improved or had really good writing all by Uwe Boll. But this time they bring in Tim McGregor. Tim is a competent writer and the first half of the film is actually really good. Some of my fellow reviewers say it starts off slow but I think it has a pretty good pace considering the subject matter. It's supposed to be slow and methodical. Tim does a good job creating this world and this environment and these characters but it's when he realizes that he hit the money shot too early (the Final Storm which wiped out humanity and all living things) he decides to bail on any semblance of a plot that he had created. Instead of finding out if this was biblical or trying to look for survivors or showing their life as the last people on Earth it turns really dark. I mean they throw in biblical allegories and a few mentionings of scripture here or there but it mostly focuses on Silas for the latter half of the film. Why Silas?

I won't ruin the plot but let's just say Silas looks shady because he is shady. And they make sure to explain why for most of the latter half of the film. And by the end only his character arc was resolved. What about the giant elephant in the room? No? Is there going to be a sequel? I dunno. Someone just please explain to me why Silas's character was more important than the apocalypse. I mean I understand WHY (they explain it well enough) but WHY is HE MORE IMPORTANT THAN GOD SMITING EVERYTHING?

I dunno. It's the writing that ruins it. Uwe does great behind the camera, the effects look good and all the actors are really good. It's a shame. I hate to say this but if Uwe would have just wrote it than it might have been a really good film. As it is it's a film with a lot of promise that fails in terms of plot.


You tend to look at us as if the same sort of rules that apply to the outside apply here..they don't...they simply don't.

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

This is brilliant. I won't BS you with a long intro paragraph and instead just tell you that this is brilliant. I actually feel like I watched an award winning picture, something that the Academy might think about looking at and nominating. But of course because of the subject matter and the director it will get ignored. But it shouldn't. Along with Rampage and Tunnel Rats, this is Uwe Boll at his best.
The film is based on real events that happened in a German prison. Unlike Seed or any of his other "real events" stories this one actually did happen. This was Uwe Boll making a statement about the mistreatment of prisoners and what happens as a result of their being locked up for hours on end. It shows that after being locked up to long, the mind goes to dark, primal places. It's a true character study as well as an eye opening look at prisons.

What happens is four prisoners are locked in a tiny cell. They think their s**t don't stink and that they are the most badass things in the world. Because of the space though they don't really have a lot of room to do much. So what do they do? Play poker and share stories of the past. Things seem to be going normally until one poker game turns ugly and things get out of hand. Mitch, the youngest, smallest and probably weakest of the four loses a bet while playing poker and is forced to eat toothpaste. That would seem like a normal, juvenile bet but Mitch refuses. Bravado, insanity, and their incessant need to be top dog and the most respected turns the other three into monsters as they brutalize Mitch.

Needless to say things don't go well and turn graphic quickly. Interlaced throughout the film is interview segments. These try to add realism to the film by having the other three explain what happened and their motives behind what they did. It adds another layer of tension and really adds to their characters, making you hate them more or helping you understand them. What makes this whole thing better is like Rampage and Tunnel Rats, this is an improved film. The basic outline is given and basically the rest is just them doing their thing. It's great and it's believable.

The acting is what sells me on this film. Edward Furlong, who plays Harry, one of the three, is brilliant. You can see he is really cracking under the seams but you can also see he is justifying everything he is saying in some sort of Hannibal Lector mad genius. Sam Levinson and Steffan Mennekes are great as well, proving to be both disturbing and eye opening as well as deep characters. But probably one of the best performances besides Furlong has to be Shaun Sipos who plays Mitch. He is so vulnerable, so drained and he looks so innocent that when you see these things happening you really feel for him. It almost drives you to tears. His inner struggle is brilliant and seeing what happens to him in this survival of the fittest dog and pony bravado show is great.

This is not an easy film to watch. It's violent, dark and disturbing. But the acting is brilliant and the message is truly eye opening. It's a great film and don't let the director of this film keep you away from's awesome.



Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Well this was one that was not fun to relive. "Biggest season finale shocker." For me it really came down to two. I mean a good season finale shocker is usually, and correct me if I'm wrong, is usually the death or attack of a character. Usually death tends to have more impact but when Derek "McDreamy" is getting shot in the chest or one of the numerous ER shootouts happen, it tends to be just as effective.

But when I think character death shockers I always think of two shows: Dexter and CSI. While CSI Miami and New York have been more open to offing their characters, CSI (or CSI Vegas) tends to just have them leave or attacked but still alive. It never seems death is imminent on CSI Vegas. Dexter on the other hand has a lot of deaths but usually not involving any of the main characters, unless they are somewhat smaller or they are total asses to people. In fact I can only think of two characters dying that were main and that was Doakes and Lundy. But Doakes was a jerk and Lundy was an on and off character.

But both shows have had one very impacting season finale. For Dexter it was Season 4's death of Rita Morgan by the Trinity Killer and for CSI Vegas it was the death of Warrick. Both were main characters and both were viciously murdered. The difference, and why I picked Warrick over Rita, is Rita was a bit naggy and annoying the entire season and in the moments leading up you could guess that she had died (phone ringing IN the house, baby crying ect). On the other hand Warrick was always a fan favorite who was always a fun character to watch. And then out of nowhere, just when you expect the credits to start rolling, he gets shot in the neck.

I loved Warrick and he didn't deserve to die. And the sudden impact that nobody saw coming, mixed with look of shock on his face and the sadness in Grissom's eyes as he dies, and just the fact that a show NOT known for killing main characters KILLS A MAIN CHARACTER was just overwhelming. I could not believe what I saw as my mouth dropped. Sorry Rita but Warrick beat ya out on this one.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I didn't say anything about being simple.

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

The Far Cry game series has never been a popular one, or at least in my opinion. All the games (to my knowledge) have received sub-par reviews claiming shoddy controls, repetitive enemies, idiotic A.I and an enormous sandbox area with nothing to do. I have played the first one and let me just say I agree with them. I'm not much of an FPS gamer (more like JRPG) so it was already knocked down a peg, but the controls on the first one, as well as the crap AI made it hard to enjoy. The story was typical adventure story flair but it kept the game moving so I enjoyed it. Not every game can be Monkey Island or Heavy Rain. But otherwise a sub-par game.

So then why make a movie out of it? Well before the first game was released, the film rights were bought by Uwe Boll. Why? I'm honestly not sure but I think he saw promise with the game. Either way he bought the rights and started developing the film. He hired Til Schweiger to play the hero Jack Carver. Why? Still not sure since Jack was a US marine with brown hair and brown eyes and an American accent and Til is German with blonde hair and grey (they may be brown) eyes. He then padded in all the regulars from his film and was off.
The story follows Jack Carver, an ex military man who now runs whale watching tours for annoying as all hell tourists. Well he gets hired by Valerie, a reporter, to take her to an island where her uncle is. Well since action films are never easy we learn that said island is run by a madman bent on creating super soldiers to take over the world. Well basically s**t happens with explosions, fight scenes, and unnecessary comic relief to lighten the tension and then the movie is over.

I probably should have hated this movie. The writing is pretty poor for the most part but I just attributed that to it being an action film with a guy who can't speak English worth a damn. I also should have hated the shootouts but it's Uwe Boll so that means they are going to be handheld, filmed with fast cuts and in the dark. I also should have hated the comedy bits (the whale tourists/Parker/one liners) but it was on par with Postal's chuckle worthy humor if you watched it in the right mind set. And I should have hated the acting but Til was Hugo Stiglitz so I can't hate too much. It's on par with other Boll films.

My biggest problem was three things: the pacing, the ending and the soldiers. The pacing seemed really off with ACTION SCENE...boring...boring...still boring...ACTION SCENE. In the game it's pretty much nonstop idiots for the whole game, not pointless talking. The ending is typical Hollywood action but the "Hey we are an R rated action film that has been totally fine showing deaths and gore throughout this whole movie in yet for the last 10 minutes we will turn into a PG-13 action film where almost all the non stomach head shots are off screen, especially the one person we all as the audience wanted to see with our own eyes get his head blown off." See this film and you will know what I mean. As for the soldiers only one thing bothered me and it was a small thing. If there skin was bulletproof and could bounce off are they getting penetrated with needles? That's kind of stupid...

It's typical action film, it's typical Uwe Boll, so at this point you like it or don't. See it if you do, skip it if you don't.


ewton, life is like a p***s. When it's hard you get screwed. When it's soft you can't beat it.

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Now this is how you make a good bad movie. What do I mean? This is a horrible movie but it's so funny that it becomes a guilty pleasure. I mean the one liners are so stupid their awesome, the unintentionally funny but still funny lines are hilarious, the acting is atrociously bad its funny and the plot...well actually unlike the first film it has a plot...and a plot I can follow...another thing I couldn't say for the original.
The premise is that Billy the Kid is now a leader of a vampire gang. They are evil and bloodthirsty and enjoy killing anybody that gets in their past. Rayne, now played a totally different actress, comes to town to visit her friends. What she's been doing since the first movie and how she got to this town are unknown but she is now in the town and she wants to see her friends. Well her friends were killed by Billy and his gang and their kids were kidnapped. Why they weren't just killed? Who cares. Anyway Rayne tries to take them on but gets the crap beat out of her. So she teams up Pat, Preacher and Franson, three unlikable people with bad one liners and decides to take on Billy again.

The writing and plot holes and dialogue are horrid but it's pretty hilarious if you look at is as a comedy. I mean look at the quote...that's funny. And the acting is just as funny. The new girl Natassia Malthe is worse than Lokken but she is pretty funny to watch. Michael Pare', an Uwe regular is laughably bad and Zack Ward as Billy the Kid is a total failure of a villain. But he's so bad it's funny. The action is actually pretty decent but the stuntwork and effects are laughably bad and cheap. The biting continuity is all over the place as well...which is even funnier.

Look this is not a good film but it's 10x better than the first one. It's also better than Seed, Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead. It's so bad in every aspect of filmmaking it's funny. I mean Wild West Vampires? That should tell you something. But it IS genuinely funny not awkwardly funny and I enjoyed it.

It's Uwe Boll's The bad it's funny.



Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Today's entry into the TV meme was set in stone even before I committed to this meme. "A Show you will re-watch." For me it was an obvious choice picking Doctor Who. Not only is it the longest running science fiction television show in history but one of the longest running shows period. I was a bit of a loser and got into Doctor Who around the Ninth Incarnation of the Doctor but since then I have tried to watch as many older episodes as possible. But that's why this was such an easy choice. Not only is it a great series but it's a series with a long and rich past that's worth revisiting.

I will say this though. I never got BBC America until earlier this year. So for the most part I had to wait until DVD or till it was on Youtube to watch most of the episodes I have seen. But now with the Eleventh Incarnation of the Doctor I can finally watch the show when it comes on. Yes I realize it's a week after the UK but still I'm really happy that I can watch it on my TV, in HD and live (for the most part). And let me get something off my chest right now:

I love Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. I don't care what anyone says I think he is great. I mean for someone with not a whole lot of experience and being so young (the youngest Doctor to date) taking on such a huge role, he's doing great. He may not be David Tennant (my favorite as well as a lot of other people's) but I really like him. He has a great personality, he's got a great voice, great comedic timing, and when he wants to be serious and dramatic he is also really good at that as well. And I really hope they keep him around for a while.

Anyway I can't wait to re-watch Doctor Who from the beginning and I can't wait to see more from the Doctor.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What is the difference between a duck?

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Before getting into the review I have a message from General Patton telling us what he thinks about this movie:

Thank you General but I have to disagree with you. While Postal may not be a great movie, it's enjoyable, it's funny, it's laughably bad in places and it's got a few scenes which really make me die laughing. If you want to talk about S**T, then let's talk about Indiana Jones 4 (I went THERE!) If you couldn't tell that is Uwe Boll himself, who went on a marketing campaign spree with this film, dressing up as George Patton and talking about Postal, problems in the world, hookers, Starbucks toilet paper and much more. It's actually quite clever and it just proves my thoughts that no matter how bad of a director you think he is, he is actually a pretty awesome guy. Need more proof? Read my interview with him or listen to his commentaries.

Anyway I'm reviewing Postal. Shot back to back with Seed, Postal is based on the extremely violent and controversial PC game that is hectic, hilarious and awesome. And unlike Boll's other game adaptations, Postal stays very true to the source material it's based on and captures the spirit of the game in film form. Is it Citizen Kane? No. Is it the funniest thing ever? No. But is it enjoyable? Yes.
The "plot" of Postal follows the Dude (Zack Ward). He's mocked at a job interview, kicked out of unemployment and his wife, whose really fat, is cheating on him with pretty much any and everybody with a pulse. He finally just loses it and decides that he needs to get out of town ASAP and get enough money to make it on his own. So he teams up with his Uncle, (Dave Foley) a doomsday cult leader, to steal a bunch of rare dolls and sell them for a lot of money. While all this is happening, Osama Bin Laden, whose been in the same town as the Dude since 9/11 (thanks to help from his best friend George W Bush), wants to get the same shipment but instead of selling it he wants to inject it with Bird Flu and give it to kids.

So Al-Qaeda and the Dude/Cultists go to where the shipment is being sent to: a nazi theme park run by Uwe Boll. Things seem okay until Vince Desiderio, the game creator, attacks Boll and all hell breaks loose.

Needless to say the rest of the film is silly jokes, gunshots and explosions mixed with scenes of nothing.

Postal isn't the best written film. It has some pacing issues, most of the actually funny jokes happen early on with the rest being unintentional (so bad its funny) and the action is pretty tame until the aforementioned hell breaking loose scene. But it DOES work for the most part. I never was bored watching this film and I did get some good chuckles out of it. The acting was pretty good overall considering except for Chris Coppola, who was pretty annoying and really over the top. Everyone else was pretty good and it was nice to see Dave Foley.

Postal is a hard film to rate. It's not the best film technically or writing wise but it's entertaining, enjoyable and it gets a chuckle out of me. The best way to describe it is the live action version of the sub-par seasons of South Park: enjoyable, funny, goofy, somewhat violent, but not the best by any means. I've watched it a few times now and I still get a kick out of it. If you like silly comedies, want to be mildly entertained or enjoy the video game then you will like this film.

If anything else you see Uwe Boll shot dead. I know a lot of people want to see that.


I want you to find him, I want you to KILL him, and I want you to put him in the ground so he can never come back again.

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

If you are Mike from You Talking to Me or Nick from R2D2 then you are probably wondering why this post is being redone. For everyone else and these two here is the story:

I actually like Uwe Boll. If you read my site often you'll know I interviewed him. Interviewing him was a lot of fun. He's got abnormally good taste in films, he's funny, got great stories and an overall cool guy. And on top of that he's actually made five really good movies. A really good horror film, a really good school shooter film, a really good prison-esque film, a good war film and a good sociopath film. But any and all of his good movies are overshadowed by his crap or mildly entertaining ones.

Take Postal for example. I like Postal despite it's flaws and most of his other films are so bad they are good. But then there are films like Bloodrayne 1 and this one that are so bad they're abysmal. But unlike Seed I can understand WHY Bloodrayne sucked. The studio wanted a vampire horror film (Underworld was big at the time), the license was open so they took it and gave it to Boll because of his experience with video game films. That and they had to follow, or try to follow, the plot of the game so they were bogged down. Bloodrayne 2 is better because it isn't.

But this film I just don't get. It's nihilistic, uncaring, boring, unrelenting, evil, and it seems like it's made by a snuff film enthusiast without a soul. It's a brutal film, an unrelenting film and made by someone with anger issues. I don't know if Boll was trying to do a message or what but if he was he totally failed. I just don't get this film. Here is the plot:


The first 3 minutes is Max Seed, a deadly serial killer and leatherface lookalike, watching animals being brutally being tortured and murdered in a slow and methodical fashion.

Then it sweeps over to the prison where we see a man get the chair in a very bloody fashion.

Then the next 25-30 minutes is a dual story: the current state of affairs and how they caught Max Seed.

In the current affairs, they are having troubles getting a new electric chair and the detectives and everybody involved in the case just wants to get everything over and done with. Seed sits calmly and attacks anyone who gets near him in a brutal fashion.

In the catching stage we watch an evolution of starvation torture. First a cockroach, then a small rat, then a dog, then a baby (which lasts the longest so you can see the baby truly die slowly), and then finally person after person after person, each taped and sent to the police. The main detective starts going mad and becomes bloodthirsty in his search for Seed. Eventually they find where he lives and a few Jigsaw-esque/slasher-esque deaths later, the detective arrests him.

The next 15 minutes is Seed attacking guards, Seed getting the electric chair twice, the cops deciding not to fry him again because that would mean sending him to the hospital if he was still alive thus making the cops and the prison look bad, and finally them burying Seed alive.

Well the next 10-20 minutes is Seed rising, biting a persons face off, electrocuting another, impaling another and then a montage of more killings via newspaper clips all leading up to a 8 minute scene of an elderly woman getting hammered to death slowly.

The last 9 or so minutes of film is the main detective getting a tape that shows his house, him rushing to his house, finding the police protection dead, rushing to Seed's house, getting himself locked in a room, forced to watch his wife get killed before agreeing to kill himself in order to save his daughter, and then his daughter shoved in the room with his body to starve to death like his other victims.


Does that really seem like an enjoyable film? Would you pay to see this film? What kind of person would? The gore is so fake and CGI'd that even slasher fans like me would scoff. The violence for the most part is either starving or really quick or off screen. And when it isn't it's uninspired, boring or fake looking. The plot is terrible, the writing is worse, the lines are predictable (I even joke spoke a line...which a character than repeated after I said it) and there is no characterization. It's 85 minutes of filler. Useless filler.

I thought defending a film that has been bashed endlessly would be a good thing. Find a good in this film. But upon further looking...there is none. And that's all there is to that.



Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Today was one of my favorite one's because I got to re-watch some great episodes. Today's topic is "Favorite Quote(s)." I don't mean to bend the rules two days in a row but who cares? I think all three are valid candidates and all three deserve to be mentioned. Well that and I divided it up into Comedy and Drama.

First let's do comedy. Both quotes are from the show "The Office" and both are delivered by Jim Halpert. They may even be in the same season for all I know. All I know is that I use both on a semi-daily basis and both are amazing quotes.

First- "Bears...beets...Battlestar Galactica."

Second- "Lord beer me strength."

Next up is drama. There are so many great drama quotes and I was really torn between this one and the extremely famous "I own you" quote from Dexter. But I've talked enough about Dexter. This time I'm going into vampire country with True Blood.

The quote is from my favorite character Lafayette, the gay chef, and a confrontation he had in Season 1 with a few drunk rednecks.

"Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger with AIDS? In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS. Do anyone got a problem wit dat? Aw baby, it's too late for that faggots been breeding you cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherf***er. Everything on your godd**n table got AIDS. Well all you got to do is say hold the AIDS. Eat it! Bitch you come into my house, you gonna eat the food the way I f***in make it! Do you understand me? Tip your waitress."

Such a great scene.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

You have no idea... how powerful madness can be.

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

I just don't want to review this film. It's not as bad as Ghost Ship or Bloodrayne but it's just so painful to watch. King Burt Reynolds, wooden acting from all the actors, a sadly misused John Rhys-Davies, a miscast Ray Liotta, a terrible script, REALLY predictable lines (I mean I am sitting there saying them before they come out) terrible effects, creatures that look like Planet of the Apes rip offs, a bad story with a predictable and formulaic set up, and a total raping of the fantasy genre make this a film that is very hard to watch.
Basically Jason Statham is an everyman named Farmer. His village is attacked by evil creatures called Krugs which are run by an evil wizard with the help of his lackey Matthew Lillard...*cocks shotgun*. His son is killed, his wife is kidnapped and he teams up with a ragtag group of scalawags and soldiers and vows to take down the Krugs and the evil wizard and save the kingdom.

Yawn...I've seen it all before and everything I mentioned above didn't help it either. It rips off every good fantasy movie to the point of pure plagiarism and you could never tell, or at least barely tell, that this was based on a video game. A video game that wasn't very good.

It's just bad. Not worse movie ever bad but just poor all around. It's not even laugh worthy funny. Just skip this one.



Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Today was a fun one once I realized that I could bend the rules slightly. "Most annoying character." At first I thought this would be really hard but then I realized there are five characters I hate equally the same so in a sense they are all tied. Or maybe I can't just choose one...either way here are the top 5 most annoying characters on or that have been on TV.
Chloe O Brian (24)-
Before I rip into her let me say some positives about her: she is a good friend to Jack, the ending of the series conversation between her and Jack was touching, she is smart, she is mostly competent at her job and she's kinda pretty.

Anyway...she is a pain in the a** to watch. She always looks pissed off, constipated, pouty, moody, shocked or amused in a half smile sort of way. Her tone rarely changes from the monotone and whenever she says Jack repeatedly it grates on my ears. She does really stupid things sometimes and when she does SMART things they get overshadowed by the stupid. All of her could be funny one liners are fizzled out by her lack of enthusiasm in her delivery and she's just not pleasant to watch. I think what's worse is when the actress who plays her (I do NOT want to write her last name) does well and has these great scenes like when *spoiler* Edgar dies *spoiler* it makes it all the more frustrating when she goes back to the monotone.

I don't hate her guts though (seeing as how she's number five on a top five) and she can be witty, but I just don't like watching her.

Chad Shelton (Daybreak)-
I like Adam Baldwin a lot as an actor. I think he is very funny, extremely badass and puts everything he's got into his roles. Granted every character he plays has the same tone, sneer, and expression but he cares about all of his characters and he's really fun to watch. If he's on TV or in a movie I always can't wait to see him. That's why I hate Chad Shelton.

Before going on let me explain Daybreak since nobody seemed to watch it. Brett is a detective who wakes up one day only to get arrested and framed for a crime he didn't commit. As he gets hauled off to jail he is knocked out and told that he is to take the fall for what happened. When he wakes up he is back in his bed and it's the day before. What happens is Brett realizes he is stuck in a time warp forced to relive the same day over and over until he finds out who did this to him. It's a great show that wasn't appreciated at its time.

Chad Shelton is an Internal Affairs agent who hates Brett because he stole his ex-wife and they used to be partners. Chad is snarky, egotistical, narcissistic and a bit of a pussy. Throughout the series he is a total ignoramus devoid of any feelings or any reasonable thought. And whenever Brett finally gets through to him and Chad seems to be okay, the day starts over. Chad is like a kid who you keep telling to not stick his finger in a light socket in yet keeps doing it. It's annoying after a while and you just want to hit him.

Fran Fine (The Nanny)-
Do I need to say anything?

That laugh on loop is what Hell would be like for me. Every time she opens her mouth I stick knives in my ears. Just thinking about her almost brings me to tears. And I wanted to like the show. But as soon as that laugh happens...

Merton (Big Wolf on Campus)-
Big Wolf on Campus was one of my favorite shows growing up. Part Buffy the Vampire Slayer, part Power Rangers and part Teen Wolf, this kids action comedy was an amazing show. It had great monsters, an awesome cast, a great theme song, and of course it was back when werewolves and vampires were badass creatures with superpowers. Sadly the show was forgotten and still has yet to be on DVD... But there was one character that always irked me incredibly, and sadly I'm pretty sure it was on purpose. Because in some kids shows annoying=comedy relief.

Danny Smith, one of the writers and the writer/singer of the theme song also was an actor on the show. He played the geeky goth/emo/techy Merton. Merton was like if Pauley Shore, Drop Dead Fred and Matthew Lillard had a hybrid child and gave him cocaine for every meal. He's a hyperactive crazy person with almost no redeeming value. He always seems to get in the way and usually foils any kind of plan any of the characters make. He's also a know it all and a bit of a narcissist. But all of it is for laughs. Sometimes it's funny but 99% of the time it's just painfully bad.

These people are the bane of my existence. They are soulless, evil, stupid, thoughtless, bass ackwards idiots who shouldn't be allowed on TV. But they are and for the most part they spread and spread with worse and worse characters getting spin offs. I think these were the people Agent Smith was talking about in the Matrix. A virus that spreads and destroys....ugh.

I would sooner rot in your dungeon than sit at your table!

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Regular listeners of the LAMBcast and The Demented Encyclopedia know that one movie has scarred me for life as being the worst movie ever: Ghost Ship (scream). Don't ask me why or try to explain how it's not bad because it's futile. Just hearing the title makes me hysterical. Well now we can ADD another movie to that list: Bloodrayne.

As most people know I love video games. What some people DON'T know is I love hot vampire chicks as well. And when the original Bloodrayne game came out 8 years ago, I was addicted to it. The story, the setting, the action and of course Rayne were all amazing. Looking back it wasn't the greatest game of all time, but it played an important part of my childhood. So when I heard they were making a movie version I was extremely excited. I mean I was a 14 year old boy and I was promised hot vampire chicks, action and of course it was based on a game I grew up with. Well I saw the original film. And back then I didn't think it was that good, but for what it was not bad.

Well now I'm older and a somewhat popular online critic. And I own the film on DVD (well I own all of Uwe's films). On top of owning it I am also a pretty big fan of Uwe's in the sense that I respect his films for what they are. So I should love this film right? Well here was my reaction:

After that little bout of hysteria I settled down and thought of what to write for this review. This is his worst film ever. Worse than any of his other films. On top of destroying a beloved game from my childhood, Uwe also turned the plot into a confusing and convoluted tale that even fans of the games can't understand. I mean I get the basic premise: a Dhampir (half human half vampire) named Rayne wants to kill the king of the vampires Kagen so she teams up with the Brimstone Society to bring a stop to Kagen's evil plans and kill him. That I get. It's the fact that they bog this down with needless exposition, plot holes the size of a house, and unnecessary and BORING action sequences.

Before I get into the acting let me point out some of the anachronisms that make my brain hurt:
1. Rayne has a tramp stamp lower back tattoo.
2. The "black powder from China" is stupid since they had been using gunpowder for a while by then.
3. Rayne is wearing contact lenses
4. A man is wearing a watch in the crowd

Oh and there are other mistakes as well:
1. Rayne can be killed by sunlight in yet she has a tan.
2. In one scene you can see blood coming out from UNDERNEATH the person showing they were using a blood pack.
3. The weapons are all visibly blunt.
4. Swords disappear and reappear at will.
5. And Rayne's cross keeps moving.

Now onto the acting. Kristanna Loken is wooden and stilted but probably the best out of them all. Michelle Rodriguez looks constipated the entire film and has a horrible British accent. Madsen and Kingsly look bored and their lines are either too cheesy to comment on or are so boringly delivered that it's sad. And Meatloaf is

The effects are bad, the action is boring, the plot is convoluted, the acting is horrible and it's just painful to watch. The sequel is horrible as well but almost in a funny way. This is just terrible. I respect you Uwe but this was a giant mind rape of a film.