Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I would sooner rot in your dungeon than sit at your table!

Hello I am the movie encyclopedia and if no one else will see it, I will.

Regular listeners of the LAMBcast and The Demented Encyclopedia know that one movie has scarred me for life as being the worst movie ever: Ghost Ship (scream). Don't ask me why or try to explain how it's not bad because it's futile. Just hearing the title makes me hysterical. Well now we can ADD another movie to that list: Bloodrayne.

As most people know I love video games. What some people DON'T know is I love hot vampire chicks as well. And when the original Bloodrayne game came out 8 years ago, I was addicted to it. The story, the setting, the action and of course Rayne were all amazing. Looking back it wasn't the greatest game of all time, but it played an important part of my childhood. So when I heard they were making a movie version I was extremely excited. I mean I was a 14 year old boy and I was promised hot vampire chicks, action and of course it was based on a game I grew up with. Well I saw the original film. And back then I didn't think it was that good, but for what it was not bad.

Well now I'm older and a somewhat popular online critic. And I own the film on DVD (well I own all of Uwe's films). On top of owning it I am also a pretty big fan of Uwe's in the sense that I respect his films for what they are. So I should love this film right? Well here was my reaction:

After that little bout of hysteria I settled down and thought of what to write for this review. This is his worst film ever. Worse than any of his other films. On top of destroying a beloved game from my childhood, Uwe also turned the plot into a confusing and convoluted tale that even fans of the games can't understand. I mean I get the basic premise: a Dhampir (half human half vampire) named Rayne wants to kill the king of the vampires Kagen so she teams up with the Brimstone Society to bring a stop to Kagen's evil plans and kill him. That I get. It's the fact that they bog this down with needless exposition, plot holes the size of a house, and unnecessary and BORING action sequences.

Before I get into the acting let me point out some of the anachronisms that make my brain hurt:
1. Rayne has a tramp stamp lower back tattoo.
2. The "black powder from China" is stupid since they had been using gunpowder for a while by then.
3. Rayne is wearing contact lenses
4. A man is wearing a watch in the crowd

Oh and there are other mistakes as well:
1. Rayne can be killed by sunlight in yet she has a tan.
2. In one scene you can see blood coming out from UNDERNEATH the person showing they were using a blood pack.
3. The weapons are all visibly blunt.
4. Swords disappear and reappear at will.
5. And Rayne's cross keeps moving.

Now onto the acting. Kristanna Loken is wooden and stilted but probably the best out of them all. Michelle Rodriguez looks constipated the entire film and has a horrible British accent. Madsen and Kingsly look bored and their lines are either too cheesy to comment on or are so boringly delivered that it's sad. And Meatloaf is

The effects are bad, the action is boring, the plot is convoluted, the acting is horrible and it's just painful to watch. The sequel is horrible as well but almost in a funny way. This is just terrible. I respect you Uwe but this was a giant mind rape of a film.



  1. Kristanna's boobs are the only thing worth a damn in this abomination. It's a film with the worst pacing I've ever seen.

  2. Since when are you 22 years old?

    (You said the game came out 8 years ago, when you were a 14 year old boy.)

    Also, you look amazingly similar to Doug Walker.

  3. (In your reaction video, I mean).

  4. AH I said the MOVIE came out when I was 14. The movie was made 3 years after the first game

  5. Indeed you did. Just kinda confusing with the 'it' right after you spent time talking about the video game.